Grief, My Friend.
At the start of this new year, I began acupuncture treatments, as it is something I have wanted to do for quite some time as an additional tool in finding nervous system safety within my own body. Over the past decade and a half, through traditional talk therapy, eliminating certain foods from my diet, and getting back to being physically active I had made immense leaps in the inner-child healing arena. Additionally, since incorporating the IFS model a couple of years ago, the level of healing and growth I have accomplished has been cosmic. I have met and unburdened many exiled inner-children as well as released protective, reactive and defensive parts from their rigid roles forming beautiful alliances within. My internal world feels more connected, calmer and clearer. Although there are still a couple of very young parts (wounded inner children) that have yet to venture out of the depths of their pain as they hold onto extreme beliefs and burdens that formed in the earliest months of my existence, preverbally. So, I decided to take the leap towards additional methods of healing.
After several weeks of regular weekly appointments, I began noticing less overall chronic pain, my skin complexion appeared more even with a healthy glow to it, I was able to fall asleep more effortlessly in the evenings, and my cyclical hormones were pleasantly more balanced and less noticeable; though admittedly, I wasn’t entirely sure how to utilize these ancient healing powers to support the childhood parts of myself that are still wounded and hurting and I left each session not feeling any different in that aspect than I did prior to each appointment.
Confounded, I reached out to a good friend of mine who has been getting acupuncture to aide in their own journey with childhood healing for quite some time now and often shares how their sessions help them focus on the parts that may otherwise be blocked, distressed or overall, just more vulnerable. I inquired about what they might suggest for me to better support my journey within, “a somatic check-in to see what’s affecting you and let the obstacle become the path; acupuncture will help you find the strength to move forward through it”. That made sense to me, so I opened my internal doors to any and all information my system was willing to communicate to me. As I did, this heaviness from deep below crept towards my consciousness, and I embraced it.
The next day as I lay in the dark room on the acupuncture table, my parts spoke to me. “Grief”. Grief was that heaviness that was blocking so many young parts. Grief that I had either not acknowledged yet or not fully processed. Grief is a powerful and mighty force, and when we are willing to let it in it can bring much growth and peace with it. The key being not to turn your back on it, or it’ll weigh you down. I told my grief it was welcome, and in that moment tears began streaming down my cheeks. With each tear came an image, or understanding, of what I was meant to grieve.
My dad as the anniversary of his passing approaches and though so much goodness has come into my life since I last saw him, this time of the year is especially difficult for my entire system as he represented unconditional love. He was a gentle parent who led with respect and embraced accountability. I miss our talks, and spending time with him but I miss his hugs the most, they communicated acceptance, safety, and the warmth of his presence.
Recent changes in my life. Life is forever changing and with change comes grief even with positive and happy changes as there cannot be new without letting go of the old.
All the past versions of myself, for with change there is always an opportunity for growth. And personal growth means that we shed versions of ourselves along the way. Some of those versions cheer us on as we make the transition while other versions may involve parts of us who fear being left behind, resulting in inner conflict.
Every single dog I have ever loved. Throughout my years on this earth the one constant for me has been the safety and security my beloved dogs have provided me. Each pup has been significant in their own unique way leaving a multitude of pawprints on my heart and a longing for our canine family members to have more time earthside.
The deeply cut scar that is adoption. It has only been in recent years that I have been able to really understand the complexity of the wounds that being an adoptee has left me with. Adoption is full of grief and pain for everyone involved, but possibly none quite as heavy as for the child. And yet many adoptees grow up hearing how lucky or blessed they are to have been adopted, it creates an additional layer of shame and isolation in their experience for the child who expresses their sadness despite their perceived blessings.
The childhood I had, and the childhood I desperately wished for. My childhood was filled with chaos and hysteria. My mother felt unsafe within her own body and as result she held me close to her pain as she bled from her own wounds. I felt unsafe the entirety of my youth and immense anger towards the fantasy version I had built in my head. I have come to a great deal of acceptance and peace over the years in regard to my childhood, but there are still parts of it that require additional grieving and acknowledgements.
The future imagined that I will no longer experience. Our present predicts our future in seemingly small but impactful ways. Changes we make in the present have an uncanny way of altering the course of our future paths, meaning that what we may have once imagined for us may no longer come to fruition. The grief connected to this is tender and at times confusing because what we are grieving is an abstract version of something that has yet to happen.
And with that, the tears stopped, and I lay there in peaceful acceptance of the pain and sorrow I carried with me.
I feel empowered with this new understanding of how acupuncture can support my inner system and my healing. I feel compassion for all the grief-filled parts that courageously came forward. I have clarity in knowing what work I need to do to continue growing and confidence in that I am on the right path. I feel appreciative, once more for grief and the role it has played in my life’s experiences.
Grief reminds us of love lost, the injustice we’ve experienced, the changes in plans, and the reality that to feel pain and sorrow is an important role in the human experience. And if we welcome it in, we will find that grief is our friend.
In honor of my Dad, I will love you forever, think of you daily, and miss you for a lifetime.
