Connection with others begins with the state of our nervous systems
In order to deeply connect with others, but especially your children, you first need to be capable of deeply connect with yourself. Surface level connections (i.e. mealtimes, bedtime, family activities etc. while on autopilot ) lack the substances needed to nourish a secure attachment between parent and child.
Our subconscious understanding of connection is developed through the health of the attachment we had with our primary caregiver and the state of their own nervous system during our earliest years of existence. If we had a primary caregiver who was physically detached, emotionally disconnected, or chronically activated and anxious then we learned to disconnect from Self in order to survive, building an insecure baseline for connections in future relationships.
Our nervous system is almost fully developed by the age of five. This means that during those earliest years of our development our complete understanding of what connection feels like is dependent on our caregiver’s abilities to meet our emotional and physical needs in a consistent and safe manner, as well as their abilities to meet their own physical and emotional needs.
Secure attachments begin with a parent who can attune to and co-regulate with their baby/child, building a base-line of emotional safety, self-worth, acceptance, self-love and a healthy internal connection in said developing child. Their guidance helps us build a secure foundation within. This requires patience, gentle responses and repair when necessary. A chronically dysregulated nervous system, on the other hand, exists in a constant state of threat, producing fear responses and reactivity when our external world feels chaotic or overwhelming; the child develops an insecure foundation within as a result.
If we grew up without experiencing a deep and secure connection with our primary caregiver(s) then we may not be aware that such levels of connection exist. Additionally, if our family was also high in conflict without modeling effective repair, or volatile then we may have also learned that connecting to others is dangerous, further solidifying our disconnection.
Cognitively many of us can make sense of how our relationships with our own parents might have impacted how we want to interact with our own children. However, even if we are actively doing things differently than our own parents did (i.e. not yelling, not spanking, showing up for sports events, etc.) but we consistently struggle with feelings of overwhelm, anxiety, dissociation (numbing out with tv, drinking, phone scrolling) and/or feel depressed in general, then your nervous system is not communicating safety to your child. Instead, it communicates a lack of emotional safety.
Rebuilding the baseline of our nervous system is something that can be accomplished in adulthood but requires gentle patience as you bring your own awareness into your body’s active state while making a compassionate effort to witness and hold space for your inner-child’s experiences; broadening your window of tolerance for sitting with your own experiences and feelings.
Deepening your connection with yourself organically leads to deeper connections with others.
