Dear Parents: A Letter on Accountability

*The use of the word “parent” in this letter is meant to imply any adult caregiver that is caring for or raising a child(ren).

Accepting accountability and apologizing when you are at fault is one of the bravest acts of love there is. It shows those you care about, especially your kids, that blame and shame don’t have to coexist, but rather our mistakes are empowering experiences that we can learn and grow from.

A secure relationship with accountability and the skills to repair ruptures with your children go hand-in-hand in creating emotional safety and stability within the parent-child relationship. Cultivating connection, compassion, curiosity, and confidence in both you and your child. A parent with a healthy relationship with accountability is less likely to justify or dismiss their own maladaptive behaviors and hurtful moments, and instead they will be capable of owning their wrongdoings while making an effort to work towards positive long-term change in future behaviors. Which consequently results in a parent who leads with a positive example, teaching their children that they don’t have to strive for perfection and their parent’s love is not going to go away when they make mistakes.

Children with a parent(s) who actively models healthy accountability generally feel (emotionally) safe enough to communicate to their parent when their own needs are not being met; or if their parent has hurt their feelings because they trust their parent will repair.

A parent with a secure relationship with accountability understands that:

·        Mistakes don’t define us.

·        Parents make mistakes too.

·        Accountability is the key to growth.

·        Repairing after ruptures is what builds emotional safety & trust.

·        Compassion for ourselves leads to compassion for our children.

·        Focusing solely on blame and fault of others pits us against them, creating disconnection.

·        Mistakes are opportunities to learn.

·        Complaints from our children are bids for connection and validation.

A parent who models healthy accountability will raise a child who is more likely to develop their own secure relationship with accountability. Two parents with a secure relationship will solidify their child’s abilities to acquire all the tools needed. However, if the other parent lacks a secure relationship of their own, the child will be given mixed signals, impacting their ability to fully utilize the tools taught by the parent with the more secure relationship.

A parent with an insecure relationship with accountability may be more likely to:

·        Subconsciously project their own shame onto their child.

·        Fear conflict; avoids communicating their needs assertively.

·        Lack the skills needed to repair ruptures properly.

·        Offer surface level apologies to redirect the attention away from their mistake.

·        Blame their child for their own behaviors; or

·        Make excuses for their child’s mistakes; deny their child’s involvement.

·        Justify their own behavior by blaming work, sleep, hunger, others, etc.

·        Weaponize blame and fault.

·        View conflict as drama.

·        Deflect blame as a means to hold onto their sense of power.

·        Use shame-inducing words when their child makes a mistake.

·        Criticize instead of complaining, view complaints as criticism.

·        Be reactive and impulsive when frustrated.

·        Use “I did my best” as a crutch.

·        Struggle to communicate in a calm and open manner when blame is involved.

·        Hyper-focuses on “blame” and “fault”.

A parent who models an unhealthy relationship with accountability is more likely to raise a child who learns that shame and blame go hand-in-hand. Ultimately eroding the child’s sense of emotional safety and trust with that parent. Thus, repeating the cycle of insecurity.

*A continuation in this series on accountability; visit the previous post People Don’t Change Unless They Want To for more on this topic.