People Don’t Change Unless They Want To
People don’t change unless they want to.
Okay, maybe that’s not entirely true. We actually do not have control over whether or not we are changing, for with every day lived and every memory made, change is inevitable. That being said, not all change is comparable in its value and impact on our overall participation in, or perception of, life. Whether change propels us towards emotional growth in a positive way, or it negatively pushes us further away from improvement, that is where we have a choice. When we resist growth, we are denying ourselves the opportunity to embrace our lived experiences in a healthy way, processing them and integrating the lessons offered into our life and instead, we unknowingly invite resentment, bitterness, and anger in their place. Personal growth begins with courage and takes a consistent and continual effort, but most of all long-term growth demands that we first embrace accountability.
This is a topic that I could speak on in great detail, but is too much for a single piece, so this will be the first of many posts with a focus on accountability.
Accountability is a skillset that we humans are meant to cultivate during our prime developmental years, per the example of our primary caregiver(s). However, if our parent or caregiver modeled an insecure relationship with accountability then that is what we learned. An insecure relationship develops out of fear, shame, and weaponized blame. For example, if a parent regularly scolded, shouted, mocked, threatened, punished, or humiliated you, as a child, any time you made a mistake or behaved in a way that irritated them, you learned that shame and blame were a packaged deal. As children our brains and our logical reasoning is not developed in a way that allows us to fully consider the possibility that the issue lies in our parents, as that would bypass our innate instincts of survival--which is to connect to, trust in, and depend upon our primary caregiver. Pervasive shame convinces us, especially young children, that “there is something wrong with me”, carrying this foundational self-view with us well into adulthood. Shame is the most powerful master emotion, convincing us that we are unworthy of acceptance. It tricks us into hiding our authentic selves and burying the pain from our experiences deep down in hopes to stop feeling it. Accountability forces us to come face-to-face with shame, except the more unprocessed shame we have buried, the more accountability starts to resemble an enemy.
It makes sense that accountability might feel antagonistic if you were raised in a home where hurtful behaviors were consistently justified, where blame and fault were weaponized, and the unlucky person left holding it was essentially made to feel powerless. It makes sense that accountability can feel like all or nothing when accepting fault for your own mistakes meant you risked disapproval or emotional rejection from your primary attachment figure(s). Accountability will probably feel unsafe when your primary caregiver(s) projected, deflected, and refused to accept it themselves. Accountability will feel one-sided, cruel, and much like a personal attack against you when someone else refuses to carry what is yours. It makes sense when blame becomes the focal point in proving your rightness and someone else’s wrongness, as repairs feel insignificant compared to the shame-induced risk associated with owning your role in ruptures. It makes sense that avoiding blame keeps you motivated to succeed at school or at work as mistakes confirm your subconscious childhood conditioning that “there is something wrong with me”.
It makes sense. And yet, if you desire positive changes in your life then your relationship with accountability first has to change.
When we bravely offer ourselves compassion, understanding, and forgiveness especially during our darkest times, or while reflecting on our past mistakes, we will find the courage to embrace our shame, and overtime it will dissipate and accountability will no longer be something to fear but rather a guiding force, positively directing us towards long-term emotional growth and healing.
